Waking up

Good morning world..

I'm sure you know the time, when after a really exhausting day you finally made it to your beloved bed, with hope of the most relaxing and enjoyable sleep, you ever had. What a surprise, when in the morning, after those 7 or 8 hours, you wake up, sit up and have no relaxed feelings whatsoever. Sometimes you don't even bother sitting up, huh? Hardly open your eyes and wondering, what the hell happened, that you feel like crap. No? Well, I do. I cannot stress out enough the importance of a good night sleep, but I'm pretty sure, even if you didn't know the previous feeling, you will know this fact for sure.

Sometimes I wish I was a little boy again. Just no real obligation to get up from that warm, comfortable, soft heaven called bed. But I'm not, I have to, so lets get on with it, shell we? So now, that you finally got up, what's your first trip? Toilet? Bathroom? Kitchen? Mine is usually the study/dressing room. Partially because I need to pick something to wear and pack laptops and stuff to work, but partially because it has a terrace. There's nothing like morning sun on your sleepy face. Just standing there for a while gives me some sort of energy to go on. To start that day with somehow more energy. Is it just me, or does it happen to you as well? Ok never mind, next task. Wash up, get dressed and ready and marsh out of the door. There's a whole world waiting for you. Yeah well, not really, it isn't. The world wouldn't probably notice, when you were to stay in bed all day, but your bank account probably would, so chop chop, here comes the cold light of the day.

Now that you are all woken and freshened up, you still can't see how much falsity is around you. Maybe you really like all those people whom you wish good morning during your trip thru the hallways, maybe you really are that special and everyone likes you, maybe there really is a place where all the bad influences from the outer world aren't applied. Maybe you even love what you do the most, maybe you are truly enjoying the morning and afternoon traffic, because you have the chance to listen to your favourite songs and radio programs. And maybe not.

Question is - Why not?

Every coin has two sides. Faces if you will. The same applies to everything we go through every day. We can pretty easily look at it like everybody owes us something and be really pissed, that we have to see the same ugly ass faces every day of the week, our stupid boss will want something again, there is a million other places we would like to be, but we can't, because we have to be in this stupid place. Or we can just look at it like there is nothing wrong really, we have a job, where we have some friends maybe, boss wants something every now and then, but isn't at our ass all the time, no one did really do anything wrong to us and even if they did, it probably got us somewhere further in our life. Its totally up to you really. Either way, you need to survive the day and eventually get back home, where you will eventually fall in the same bed, you dug yourself out in the morning. Now, for me, that is the time to recap. That is the true wakening time, because you finally have some time to think about yourself, your life, your choices and the direction they are heading.Its interesting, that we can't really understand all that around us, until it is the exact precise time for us to understand. To wake our mind up and see the beauty of simplicity to our problem. Each one per time. You don't really see, that your neighbour is stealing newspapers from you every morning, until you get up earlier and meet him by accident doing it. You don't really understand why your wife isn't attracted to you anymore, until you meet some hot girl in the bar, where you're trying to drawn your sorrow, and she gives it to you in crystal clear. And you don't really understand why is your life the way, you don't really like it, but find yourself unable to change it, until you give it that time and effort and brake your life down to tiny little separate pieces, which are obvious and easy to understand. Our brain, despite its complexness and cleverness, isn't really capable of dealing with that vast amounts of information coming in every day. Then we are confused, sad, pissed, we shut ourself down to outer world, we often hurt our closest, just because they talked or touched us in the wrong moment. Obviously those moments will happen in the future, but we can eliminate them. We can try to understand. You probably guessed that this isn't only about personal life, its about all life, humans, animals, plants. Until we broke down the heart, we didn't have any clue, how it works or why is it so important. Now we do and are capable of replacing it. Just because of somebody woke up one day and said to himself - "Hey, I really wanna know, how the heart works." The same principle applies to everything.

Try to understand then.

Try to wake up.


It is a long time since I wrote something here, so on a cold Saturday afternoon I've decided, I will make some slight adjustments.

This is a weekend full of history. Full of nostalgia, where were you remember the fallen, the hurt, the great and the leaving. It is a weekend, when Formula1 returns to the United States to the newly built Circuit of the Americas, where the jung German driver Sebastian Vettel, much like his childhood idol Michael Schumacher, has a very real possibility to win his 3rd World championship. There is a strong message in it. He was the quickest throughout the weekend, in every practice and qualifying he was just right on top of that board and was starting from his 6th pole this season, on the clean side of the track.

The strategic decision which made Ferrari, by deliberately breaking the seal on Felipe Massa's gearbox just to put Fernando on the right side of the track was a bit odd, but very understandable from the strategic point of view. And hey, they have only 2 venues left, so they just have to do everything they can, to win the world championship. Even though Fernando did a great job and finished 3rd overall, with his team mate on his back, Vettel didn't manage to win. Hamilton was just too quick, even for that insanely fast Redbull. So the results are pretty clear, 13 points difference and the final decision will be made in Brasil next week. I've waited till the end of the GP to finish this post, so I can reflect on what an extraordinary event the Austin venue was! I mean they just built the circuit by picking the best bits of tracks from all around the world and it just comes together fabulously. There has been more overtaking and more action, than in probably the whole season combined.

As many of you may know, Brasil will be the last ever race for his Schumacherness. And it makes me sad. Mainly not because we won't see him race anymore, lets be honest, he didn't make much difference in the past 2 seasons and he surely will stick around F1, as it is his life. But mainly because he represents something bigger. Something what we could see in the old days. What Senna did, what Michael was doing.The sheer love, passion and unconditional dedication to win. The huge number of hours spent in the pits, garage and testing circuits, thats just something, I think, we won't see in this or next generation. I mean, Michael helped develop his F1 cars, he helped develop Ferrari road cars for crying out loud! His passion, heart and the dedication to put the best and hardest work into what he was doing, that made him great. And I know I will inevitably hit big wave of resistance on this, because in eyes of many, he wasn't so great as the world thinks he is. But let me tell you something. No matter what your views are, he IS great. He IS the best and he WILL remain long after he's no longer racing.If you disagree, well thats your right, but then go and show me somebody, who's more dedicated and more passionate about racing in F1. I dare you.But enough with the glorifying. For me he is the greatest after Senna and it will take a huge amount of energy and time, to convince me otherwise. And I fairly don't care, if you do agree with me or not. I wanted to express my gratitude, love and respect for this man, who has been brutally medialized beyond bearable limits. He always protected his private life and from the position of the 7 times world F1 champion, I really admire his success in that field. And don't be misled, he was totally different in private, than he was on cameras. But most of all, I wanted to express my deep disappointment with his decision to leave Formula1.

You are the all time great Michael, you will stay in our hearts as a true and undeniable hero and we will miss you on the grid and on the box. Thank you Michael for all the things you have done for the sport, for the community, for charities all around the globe, and most importantly - for all us petrol heads.

Saturday Misery

Lately I haven't had much time to do my head-cleaning. Yesterday it became all at once. A little get together with few friends and colleagues turned into a bit wild scenery from Human traffic.

I mean, I woke up like thousand times during the night in the middle of the day and was feeling like crap, which is nothing happening very often. Don't get me wrong, from time to time its really important to destroy yourself and kill all those remaining brain cells who refused to die during the work week, but oh god, those consequences... My head feels like its been banged repeatedly with a very large hammer and then run over by a train. The idiotic idea to do some work today.. I don't know where THAT came from, past me, again made a check, that current me just can't cash. And Im not even home yet. Sitting on the train from the city.Its raining, its foggy and unpleasant, its maybe 15°C tops, but you know what? I like it. I really like it, its classic english summer. One can just sit back and enjoy passing scenery with nothing but a great electronic orchestral music in the ears. So many things sticking from the ground up.

I like trains. When they are clean and taken care of, its very good place to be. Tracks lined with the original mother natures creations, it just somehow comes together in the end. And I don't know, but it seems rather efficient to me. Yes, it is slow and you have to wait a lot, and its not exactly what you call cheap, but there are ways around those issues, time management being one of them. And Im not even talking about the amount of work which can be done, during the train travel. Normally I hate public transportation of any sort, but there are times, when the heart just sings with this experience. Once again is proved, that when you feel miserable, there is not much you need to be happy. Im spoiled in this, I think we all are, we built our lives around the car and not much of us is really willing to accept any other form of transport, because its just somehow demeaning and time consuming. But hey, when you're not well, you gladly accept any assistance you can lay your hands on, so I suggest to rethink the values a bit.

But more to the point, why I started writing this column.

Do you know the states of your life, when you don't know, where are you going, what are you doing, and what exactly should it be for, but you still somehow seem to feel good and happy? Do you have those? Because I sure as hell do. :) And well, I wont lie, sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't. Today I kinda do. It gives me a chance to recap all those past months, years, to make a closure, to take from it the best I possibly can for the future, to actually make a decision about things, that were bothering me for last 6 or so months and finally allow my brain to plan the whole thing, blueprint it, file it and put it on a shelf, which it will be sitting, until the time is right to get it of again and execute it.The tremendous amount of energy, wasted because some part of me didn't actually know what to do, how to proceed, on which values to build, it is incredible, how one can be exhausted by his own inability to make choices and decisions. Now Im fairly relaxed, I got my decision, I got to clean my head and swipe all that shit of the ground and put it where it belongs. To the trashcan somewhere in the back of my brain.Its amazing, what one evening and following morning can do to the human mind. Im very grateful, that Im sensitive enough to perceive it and be able to soak it in.

Oh, my station. Im off, thanks for the attention, folks. :o)

Reflections on the lake


You know, sometimes i think about the day, when everything freezes, everything is so quiet and peaceful, that even the butterfly wings can cause the noise of thunderstorms. I wonder if in those times the nature is sleeping, resting, or if it is just another natural state of the process. Sitting in the middle of that vast mass of precious liquid which gives life, as well as it takes it away, knowing that one wrong move could cost life is crawling up the spine. Water is not yet frozen, but the air is cold, very cold. Each breath is harder and harder. Mouth is heavier and heavier, legs feel like made of steal, eyes burn under the freezing cold around and yet, there’s life around.

A fish look!

Hopping up the surface to see what has changed in the world above. Lucky little fish. No worries about where does she gonna sleep or what is gonna drive to work. Complete freedom. Another hop and splash. Like a rocket she cuts thru the water on the way up and splashes back down, like a little child in the bath tub. Eye turns away. There is something other going on.. After a while of hard paddling I arrive to the edge of the lake. Waves behind my little boat destroyed the perfect mirror reflection created by mother nature. No more I can see the sky even when I’m looking down. No more condors and eagles silently hovering over the water glass floor, between the two deep dark woods which were divided 6 miles south from here. Finally I see the dark spot clearly. Giant black bear is performing his morning ritual just under the strong pine by the side of the lake. Lucky me, sitting 50 meters from the bank. It’s starting to snow.. Thick mist is floating above my head, somewhere it broke up a little bit. Once again I look up. Sun is hiding behind dark blue clouds and it seems it has no intention of coming out. It’s darkening.

Amazing how time flies when one is absorbing the beauties of the hidden and lost worlds.. I’ve lived here for almost 20 years and I’ve never seen a beauty of this place. It was always just a lake. Just some water I need to cross in order to get to the city. Now its more than that. The cradle of life. So many life forms crossed me on the way down here. Every single one of them, fighting for survival every day. Life cycle.

No one escapes it.

How to not go completely mental from it all - Part 2 - The commute

Chances are, that you are not that fortunate and live 5 minutes from your bloody office, so theres some travel involved. Now, there are 2 kinds of travel here.

The car: This is the better option, for the rich bastard, that can’t be bothered to smell other peoples morning breath. Which is sometimes as good as an open suage. Which is.. great?
This we further divide to the “poor, but just rich enough bastard”, that can afford a car, but can’t afford a driver, and the “poor on paper, but still rich as shit bastard”, that gets his ass driven everywhere, so he can get drunk in the car even before arriving to the destination.

The public transport: This option is for everybody else. If you like feeling like a complete looser, then go for this option! Or if you live in NY. Because owning a car in NY is about as practical, as a pair of sandals in Alaska. It gets the job done, but the pain involved while suffering through it, is just not worth it.

Have you selected? Good. Well… Sort of…

If you chose option number one, then you have another, not very easy, task ahead of you. Try to remember, where did you park your fucking car yesterday, because the spot in front of your house, where the car should be, is occupied by some other retard, that apparently couldn’t be bothered to find his own spot two blocks down the road.
When you have finally found your fucking car, inspect it, so you are sure, that no drunken hobo has ripped off your mirrors, slashed your tires, or left his signature art on the hood. In key.
Find some deeply relaxing music on the stereo BEFOREHAND, so you don't snap during the morning rush-hour traffic jam, then drive the fuck off. You are late anyway at this point, so another 5 minutes selecting the song doesn't matter.

Now you don’t have to deal with only the other morons, that decided this is the perfect time to get into their tin boxes and go to work, but you also have to deal with the sheep, that mindlessly wonder to the road, while heading to the bus / train / tram / subway stations, so they can also get to their fucking jobs. This is bad, because when you run over a sheep, you go to the farmer, pay the man and everything’s golden.
Now, when you run over this morning sheep in the city, theres no farmer, theres cops. And witnesses. And when you, in a good will, try to iron things out with a small payment for the inconvenience you caused by running over that sheep, the cops will either bust you, or shoot you right away. Depending on the amount you thought the sheep was worth. So be careful, dumbass!

If you chose option number two, then your life will appear to be a bit easier now.
Head out to the station. The location of the nearest bus / train / tram / subway station is burned so deep into your brain tissue, that you can find it after 3 bottles of vodka no problem and still buy the fucking ticket.
Now, this is where the true difficulties begin. People. Tens, hundreds, thousands of people. They are fucking everywhere. And they are breathing and smelling and getting into your way.
Luckily, you are still half asleep, so you don’t have the energy to murder half of them, because they “forgot” to brush their teeth this morning. And every other fucking morning for that matter.
On the other hand, you can safely assume, that the rest of the morning sheep heading out for the daily slaughter, has the same urges and thoughts about murdering you, so it kinda evens out nicely.

So you just bounce around from one person to another, trusting them to carry you to your destination eventually. This can be very stressful, when you are new to this mode of transport, but believe me, the universe has a plan for you. And that plan is to get your fucking ass to work, so you can pay taxes for the stuff you own, so the “poor on paper, but still rich as shit bastard” can buy more stuff he doesn’t need and you will never own. Its a nice circle of life. And death… And desperation…
Mostly death and desperation.

But cheer up! Everyones gonna die one day!

When you have suffered through the transportation mode of your choosing and fall into your office chair with a motivation of a hamster who was ruining your sleep by running a fucking marathon all night, gather some strength and go get some coffee. If you are not fortunate enough to have a coffee machine at your workplace, then you should have thought this through better my son! Preferably before getting inside the fucking building!
Never mind, tea will do as well. About a litre that is.
Oh, you don’t even have tea? Well… Then you are fucked till lunch, my friend. You can attempt to sneak out and go buy some, but depending on your position, you could find yourself without a chair once you return. So be careful, dumbass!

Previous Section: Part 1 - The morning horror

Next up: Part 3 - The working hours

How to not go completely mental from it all - Part 1 - The morning horror

The most important thing when your horrific alarms slams the light of reality in your face, is to leave that sucker ringing, keep calm and take it slow. No rush to get anywhere. Like you want to go to work anyway, right? Am I right? With all those weird figures there, moving their mouth with sounds coming out and that all BEFORE 9 am, when you only managed to drink 2 or 3 coffees and your eyes are still half glued together.
So set your alarm preferably 1 hour in advance, (2-3 hours for women) so you are able to psychically prepare yourself for the terrors of the day.
Now, be careful, this is a very dangerous path, with a narrow tracks and steep cliffs along the sides. DONT FALL BACK TO SLEEP, YOU HALFWIT! Thats what the SNOOZE button is for. That motherfucker who thought of that should get a golden medal or a Nobel peace prize or something, cause he sure as hell saved a lot of lifes with that one little annoying button.

So after you manage to blind yourself with your phone, when trying to shut of the bloody alarm, give it a few more minutes, before you attempt the extremely ambitious plan to drag your ass on the edge of the bed and sit down.
Oh, did you want to get up and stand already?? Are you fucking nuts?! Theres lifes in stake man! Don't nuke your heart this early, you wouldn't last the day!

When you've managed to put your stinky feet on the floor and stare blankly into the wall for 10 minutes, THEN you can attempt to stand up and walk into the kitchen to brew the first coffee. Yeah, THE FIRST coffee. There’s more coming, don't worry, bud.

Don't forget to step on the cat on the way into the kitchen, so she knows who’s the boss here and maybe throw some cat food at her, from your strategically placed hide-outs every 2 meters throughout the apartment. This is even more important when you have a dog. Because that furry bastard will be awake long before you are and that sucker doesn't need coffee to be hyperactive, believe me. So to save yourself from an early morning heart attack on an empty stomach, have some treats ready. Or a bone from that skeleton you bought last month, while drunk shopping on Amazon.

Make the bloody coffee. Stare out the window and drink the coffee. Sip, don't turn it upside down the throat, you idiot!
Put the cup on something and forget about it. Snail your way to the bathroom and take a shower. Yeees, you gotta take the shower before bed and after bed. Do I really need to explain why?
Do I? Ok then! The short answer is: Those fucking “Wake me up” shower gels, don’t work! Its just a bullshit marketing to make you think, you are actually refreshed and READY FOR WORK. Do you see the irony?
After you scold yourself with a burning hot shower, because the coffee didn't work yet, do something to your face and put on some stitched together pieces of rags. Spray some uber fancy Eau du Perfume on yourself and get the fuck out the door.
Walk half way down the stairs, then turn back and walk back, because you forgot your keys in the door, laptop on your table and glasses on the bathroom sink. Slap yourself with cold water and head out again.

Next up: Part 2 - The commute

How to not go completely mental from it all - series

Sooo. A quick guide to salvage that bit of a brain, that still hasn't decided it would feel much better in the bathroom floor, sink, the bottom of a rum bottle or a bar restroom after your attempt to "clear your head" after a horrible week at work.

First things first. How much brain do you have actually left and is it worth trying to save it, or would you rather just be a happy drunk and not give a shit anymore.? Thats a fundamental question that you should ask yourself before starting this tour.
Because believe me, tempting as it sounds to be a "balanced" and "zen-like" individual, being completely oblivious to basically everything thats going on around you, thats deeper than a yesterdays football match, or alternatively a beer-pong tournament you held with your buddies, from which 2 of them are still missing, is not that great in the grand scheme of things.
So chose wisely, my padawan.

A'ight. Now that we have separated the men from the boys, lets dive in. And since we are the half brain dead monkeys, that actually still remember that 1 and 1 are 2, we gonna break this down to sections. And this will be a sort of on going poetry for the overworked, overstressed, hyper tense dumb dumbs, that couldn’t figure this out on their own.
Hopefully you are not all dead by the and of this series.

Section 1 - The morning horror

Lets be positive

So a while back I've moved to another location. Again. And while the horos of moving (on which I have not yet finished the article - but don't worry, its coming) are one of the worst nightmares that you can experience in your adult life, its been rather positive. So I thought I would just go ahead and put some of my brain mud on the paper. Well.. The interwebzz..

But Andrew, why should I be positive, when theres so much shit going constantly wrong in my life?!, you might say. Well, thats the beauty of it.

Its a thousand times repeated cliche, but if you think positively, positive things will come to you. Sooner or later. Usually later. But they will come, don’t you worry your pretty little head with it. I could just start spitting out sentences like “The greatness of a man is not measured by the number of punches he can take, but the number of times that he gets back up”, or “When life throws you out the door, climb back through the window”, or the all time favourite “When life gives you lemons, make a lemonade”, but I wont.

Truth of the matter is, that even a fall on your face is a forward movement.

And to breath, you gotta get your face out the mud. Thats just how it is. And you eventually will, but what counts is the speed you do it with. When you stay down long enough, you start bitching about stuff and generally be dissatisfied with everything around you, including yourself. And I am not saying you are perfect. Ooooh no. You probably have more flaws, than a 60’s KungFu action movie, but none of that shit matters. You gotta get your ass back up. We’re talking life or death here people! Focus!

You can work on your flaws while standing up. Shit, you can work on them while sitting down, or lying in bed for all I care. All that matters is, that your face is the right way up. Cause… Ya know… You can be the best fucking person on the planet Earth, but when worms consider your nose a cosy home, you’re doing it wrong.

So! Back to the topic! Stay positive. Or if you are grumpy and negative and you call yourself a realist, be a fucking realist somewhere else. Peace means having the bigger stick than the other guy, so here’s an advice for ya: Always expect the worst in people and be surprised by the opposite, but always smile and give out your best. And believe that what you are doing is good for not only you, but some other people as well. Cause ain’t anything better, than a person thats happy just because you did something.

Sad? Theres alcohol for that. Somebody died on you? Thats why they invented whiskey. You didn’t get the job you wanted? Big whoop! You weren’t supposed to get it anyway. Did you ever stop to think about that? That maybe, just maybe, you are heading the other direction that you are supposed to? Oh, who said what direction? You did! Even though you don’t remember it, you did. And one way or another you will get there, the question is how long will it take you and how much pain will you be in once you arrived at your destination.

Let it flow, plan only the construction, be kind to people that deserve it, ignore people that don’t, smile and believe in the power of the universe. It will take care of you and your needs.
After what I saw, I sure as hell do.